5 Things Guys Should Never Say in Online Dating Profiles

I cannot speak for all women, especially those bitter feminist harpies who want YOU to make THEM a sammich, but personally, I love men. I love manly, masculine men who live to be men, do manly things, and treat their women with respect. The minute you strap on a tool belt and pick up a drill to fix something for me, all my girl parts stand up and cheer. I might even throw myself on you out of gratitude because someone else is picking up the slack. If you open my door, stand up when I return to the table, or make sure you’re the one who is walking on the traffic side of the sidewalk, I’ll notice. The last thing I’m going to do is berate you for insulting my inner feminist (*barf*). Inwardly I’ll celebrate your thoughtfulness and manners, and show my appreciation.

So….I think we’ve established that I appreciate and respect GOOD men.  THEREFORE, I would like to H E L P you with this whole online dating thing. There are some things that you should just not say.  And yes, we, the fellow normals of the female gender, do actually read what you write and want to hear what you have to say.

Again, I’m not talking to the guys who straight up just want to get laid, you’re on your own. Or the 50 shades of douche bags, the losers who think that their profile pic of them flipping off the camera is suuuuuper hot (*fanning self in a mocking tone*), or the married guys who lack any decent character whatsoever. I’m talking to the single men who are genuinely looking for a connection. You guys say some ridiculous things though, and in all honesty, we kind of make fun of these comments because some of you think they’re clever or original.  You also post photos you really shouldn’t ever post ever as long as you live ever.

I have two friends who, along with me, participate in online dating forums. We can usually only take it for a few weeks at a time before we feel a small part of our souls perishing with discouragement.  Honesty, my enthusiasm for online dating runneth over like a plugged toilet most of the time. But we suck it up and get back in there. And for the sake of all human race and decency, we legitimately want you to succeed. So we’ve come up with a few things that we see DAILY that ruin a profile for us, either because we see it so often it’s become cliche, or it borders on the absurd.

“BUT, you say, “YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THE WOMEN WRITE!”

Oh, heavens, yes – please let me know!  I’m not kidding.  I’m certain you guys see all manner of the crazy scale.  Seriously, I want to hear about it because I could use a good dose of “Nope – I’m normal.”  But right now, we’re talking about you.  And if you do graciously take the time to let me know what you see, can one of you please explain the obsession with the sammiches?  I personally enjoy making excellent sandwiches so I have no idea why it’s become the trigger/battle cry of feminists everywhere.

I just can’t WAIT to unpack this, because this is solid GOLD right here.  Your collective aversion to drama is mentioned in a full 40-50% of men’s profiles, minium. See?

Y’all want no drama? Then stop dating immature, self-centered, self-absorbed women. There. That problem is handled. Personally I’m allergic to drama. Ask either of my two preteen girls and they will tell you I shut that down immediately, so I get it. It’s annoying. But some drama is out of your control. People have accidents, health issues, tragedies, their exes cause problems…the fun never ends.  Get over it.  That is life.  If you can’t handle THAT kind of drama, you have MUCH bigger problems. “Baggage” is also often looked down upon. I’m sorry, but if you’ve made it to your mid-30s and have zero baggage, dealt with or not, what kind of pampered, insulated life do you have, cupcake??? If you have baggage, deal with it so you don’t drag it into your next relationship, but it’s unrealistic to expect others to have none whatsoever.

However, the manufactured drama that comes from a high maintenance person? That’s easy – don’t date them. Many drama-prone women are easy to spot. They have a billion selfies on their Instagram account, often sporting duck-face, posted after applying carefully selected filters to highlight their boob job, and whining about something superfluous. If you want to date that, be my guest, but don’t come bitching to the rest of the world about how you hate drama when you repeatedly choose to date it. The ONLY way you’re getting MORE drama is if you date gay men. And before you start furiously pounding out a hate email to me for that observation….First, I said this to my gay landscaper, and after he finished laughing, he agreed wholeheartedly.Second, I don’t care.

Bottom line, date someone with intelligence and substance, who strives for value in her life and looks beyond herself to those around her. Say THAT in your profile.  Otherwise you’ll be plumbing the depths of a person and find yourself stranded at the bottom of a Dixie cup. And have drama.

You’re welcome.

2.  PARTNER IN CRIMEStop saying this. It is not original…you and 47,837,642 other men say this. It’s almost as if you’re asking for….drama! *gasp!*

And really, what does that even mean? You aspire to prison? You want to knock over a bank together to celebrate your third date? A little B&E after grabbing dinner and drinks?  Maybe bump it up to kidnapping for your 6 month anniversary? What? What. Does. That. Even. Mean?!?!?

THIS guy loved that phrase so hard he posted a meme about it as a profile picture. So far, under his definition, I’m still not seeing any felonies. I mean, sure, if he wants to pursue that version of partner in crime as he sees it, he probably won’t come away empty handed. (*cough GONORRHEA cough*)

3.  OPEN MINDED & NON-JUDGMENTAL

 

As you can see in this photo collage, and if the world of online dating is to be believed, I’m apparently the ONLY person left on the planet who ever passes judgment EVERRRRRR.  I call bullcrap on all that. Oh, hey look, I just passed judgment. Again. (Send all hate mail to GetOverBeingOffendedByEverythingYouBigFreakingPansy@IDon’tCare.com).

I swear, this is probably the one that has given me a facial tic. I can assure you that the people who say this are not nearly as open minded as they believe. I kid you not “open minded” is REGULARLY followed by the apparently required, totally intolerant statement, or even “No meat eaters!”  Vegans can be legitimately violent. It’s probably from lack of bacon, but I digress. It would make me crabby, that’s all I’m saying.  They need more JP Sears in their lives.

Just think about it for a sec. You and your vastly superior, enlightened “open mind” are out on a date with a woman named Michelle, and when you go to kiss her goodnight, you find out her name is really Big Mike, and you BOTH have winkies.  Like this dude…

Exactly how “open minded” do you think you’ll be then?

*crickets chirping*

Next!

I just rolled my eyes so far back in my head I watched a blood vessel blow.Look, you aren’t a thug in the NFL. You didn’t go to college? Big deal. Have you learned a skill? Do you support yourself with the knowledge you’ve gained and use? Be proud of THAT. Own it, because saying School of Hard Knocks just looks ridiculous, and you look defensive.

And last, but not least….

Honorable Mentions

So as you move forward, should you need to adjust your profile, you might also want to leave out things like…ohhhhh…your job title as “Pipe layer at your momma’s house.” Also saw “love consultant” at same. Clever. Also, calling yourself things such as a sapiosexual polyamorous humanist, or a stationary nomad (what?). Sometimes you can aim for mysterious and intellectual and slide RIGHT off the cliff into stupid and weird. Stop that.

So…your turn. What have YOU seen on online dating forums?

Coming up in the Online Dating Category…

Photos You Should Never, Ever Use Unless You’re…….Nope, can’t think of a single reason (Looking at you, Cousin Eddie!),

The Internet Is Foreverrrrrr – Choose Wisely,

Why Lying About Your Age Is a really BAD Idea (There’s just no way that Juan Bolognese, age 50, is a day under 75.),

Interesting Screen Names (such as “SlideItInHer69” and, simply stated, “Douche” – no lie, I have screenshots – LOTS of them),

What Bitterness and Desperation Look Like and How to Avoid It, AND

What Women REALLY Think When We Look At Your Profile (It’s not nearly as bad as you think, unless you’re a burning man enthusiast, a creep, or you’re cheating on your wife. In that case we will roast you mercilessly.)