In Faithfulness You Afflicted Me

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. It’s a gift, and a curse. You’ll thank me later. Or maybe not. My younger brother’s wife, a font of wisdom, has said several times in the past that your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. I’ve thought about that over the years. Is it? I’ve gone back and forth on that but I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s on to something. I don’t know if I’d call it my greatest strength, but it is an asset, and it’s been causing a conflict within me.

I’m very logical. I analyze . I research, hear opposing views, and absolutely fall back on a biblical worldview every single time because I am in fact a child of the living God and try to live my life according to his statutes. But in the conclusions I draw and articulate, I can also come across as cold and calculating. And once I’ve made that decision, I can be fiercely passionate. I lament over all of this because my heart is full of love and compassion, but I don’t sound like it sometimes. And I’m flat out angry over injustices.

I have no way of knowing if this is true because I’ve never been placed in the situation, but I suspect I could be the person behind the scope of a long gun who takes the shot and removes the terrorist from the face of this earth. Because evil cannot be allowed to prosper and the vulnerable must be protected. I can’t truly appreciate taking a life for any reason because I’ve never had to make that call, or the toll it takes on those who go to war, but when I use reasoning, I can see the greater good through the immediate circumstance. Usually.

As I’ve watched a good portion of this nation’s citizens devolve these last weeks into a violent, hate-filled, completely intolerant lot, I’ve been told I need to be more compassionate. To speak softly to these people.  My feelings and empathy may run deep, but I’m human and have definite limits. While I understand their initial fear of the unknown, I don’t think the best course of action is to coddle these children, because that is in fact what they’re acting like and it doesn’t work for toddlers either. “Love” isn’t coddling, love is truth. Real love is action, not feelings, and it operates in spite of emotion. I’ve also been told I don’t know what they’re going through. First of all, I WAS in their shoes in the previous two presidential elections, so yes, I understand the impending sense of doom. Somehow we made it through those years without a safety pin or a safe space. With every presidential hesitation, apology tour, or act of executive overreach, my trepidation over precedent grew. More importantly though, I’ve walked through hell in my personal life and I can look back now and completely identify with the author of Psalm 119 when he said, “It is good for me that I have been afflicted…I know, O Lord, that your judgments are right, and that in faithfulness You have afflicted me.” We’ll come back to that.

People are living in fear after this election and I hold the media largely responsible, but not entirely. They’ve perpetuated false narratives that have not only bred fear, but they’ve continued to feed it like a drug-dealing enabler. I wish they’d stick to the facts. I wish they’d talk to people on both sides of issues who are actually willing to discuss an issue and analyze the possible or probable outcomes based on history and fact, instead of finding pundits who have an opinion based on incomplete data which supports their agenda. They’ve done everyone a disservice by abandoning the sacred rules of journalism, and now we’re all paying the price. So yes, I understand some are fearful, but I also know we each have a personal responsibility to educate ourselves. The information is out there, you just have to be willing to accept it. Therein lies the problem.

Aaaannnnndddd here’s where the aforementioned passion kicks in. My patience has run out.

They don’t WANT to hear any other side than their own misguided, self-indulgent rhetoric. The people are flat out not interested in hearing truth. What’s more, they’re being PLAYED and they can’t even see it. The media is more than happy to oblige. The same media have not only NOT admitted they were wrong – about everything – but now they’re doubling down because they’ve been embarrassed, offended even, and didn’t get their way (With a few exceptions – Piers Morgan was a surprise.) Suddenly, we went from being racist because we didn’t like Obama, to being sexist because we didn’t vote for a woman. How convenient. Because apparently we’re supposed to vote for a vagina. Or something.

TOTALLY makes sense! Why would I insist on things like character, integrity, or good judgment when I could just vote for a vagina? Yep. THAT is a smokin’ deal!

I’ve moved from feeling sympathy for those who’ve had to adjust to the unexpected, to abject disgust at their reprehensible behavior. But then again, what should we expect when their leaders display the very same self-centered attitude? Their chosen goddess throws vases and curses like a truck driver when she’s upset. Lead by example, yeah! Well then, you all have done a bang-up job raising up an entire generation of disrespectful, self-absorbed toddlers. Bravo.

I find it reprehensible that these people are being destructive and demanding they be given everything they want regardless of anyone else (or the inconvenient rule of law), under threat that they’ll continue in their temper tantrum. THAT is the very definition of a toddler. So no, I will not bend to their hissy fits and hope the incoming administration doesn’t either. I do, in fact, expect them to act like a adults and contribute to a rational discussion to find solutions and compromise, instead of complaining about their feelings. Do they even know the policies, or are they just going to stick to identity-based issues and their feeeeeelings? Their tantrums seem to be either reactions to misinformation they’re simply not willing to investigate, or indignance over someone not affirming their emotional stance on their cause du jour.

It’s not the job of the government to validate your fluid identity.

I said this elsewhere months ago and I’ve seen it since, but these riots we’ve seen?… this is the product of the participation trophy generation. If you want to rail against my sweeping title and call them protests, please look up the definition and get back to me. This is what happens when we don’t allow our children to experience failure along with the success. When we do that, we rob them of critical life skills. They literally cannot deal with DISAPPOINTMENT. (They are crying that they’re fighting for their literal lives. Really? REALLY??? Give me a break.) They also don’t get to experience the incredible feeling of accomplishment that goes with earning something for which they’ve diligently labored. So if you think it’s unfair – and can I tell you how much that very term makes me want to gag? – what’s inherently unfair is denying them the basic ability to work hard for something, overcome obstacles, deal with disappointment, and experience also the pride that comes with genuine achievement.

Soooooo, after seeing the embarrassing behavior of my fellow Americans these last couple months, and also the delivery of my own opinions, God has shown me some pretty amazing things. I’ve been convicted and blessed in equal measure. I’ve had to really examine my motives. That’s never pretty. This inner conflict I referenced earlier, this is it. This strength-weakness dichotomy. I’ve wanted to, and have, been very vocal about my opinions, but at what cost? Has God asked me to lay down my argument? Or does my delivery just need work? Probably a bit of both. This hit me hard “For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men…” 1 Peter 2:15. On the other hand, I know He’s given me a voice and told me to use it, so at this point it looks like He’s got some edges to me that need to be softened. Oh goodie….can’t wait! No doubt this is part of the answer to “Please change my heart.” That never comes without pain and a whole boatload of humility, but it’s a necessary part of growth and sanctification. That part was pretty much all conviction and we’re working on it.

But then I looked at my children, and that’s where I saw the conviction and the blessings this week.

In the past, I’ve complained to God and been devastated over the carpet-bombing their little hearts endured. That they knew rejection from their father at all, much less so early in life, has shredded me. That they’ve gone without a lot of things their friends have has been difficult at times. That my daughter, at 4 years old, witnessed her father yell at me that they’d “get over it” was a crushing blow of which I was unaware until almost 6 years later. That she’d lived with that and the feelings of deep insecurity because of it every single day, in silence, ripped my heart out and made it hemorrhage all over again. This. Has. Sucked. Many, many times I’ve cried out to God, “Why MY little girls?!” Why have they had to suffer such horrible consequences of someone else’s sin? But the apex of my questioning Almighty God? The day I accused God of betraying me. Wow. That was a long time ago and yet I sit here still crying over that. Just like Peter. I can totally relate to that brother. I am a wretched, depraved sinner. The fact that I sit here still at all after that is a testament to His mercy.

As I watched my countrymen lose their ever loving minds, I started to see the priceless value in my children’s suffering. I look at them now, and while I still see the pain flash in their eyes sometimes, or hear them give voice to the difficult questions for which I have no answers, I also see their easy grace. I hear their abundant laughter. I see and hear and experience their humor every single day. Their quick wit is a delight. Their joy in school and learning. Their gratitude for their friends and education. When I watch my youngest daughter especially lament over her math skills which have haunted her, and see how she’s overcome it, I’m so proud of her. I’m soooooo grateful she kept plugging away and has experienced victory. I see my oldest daughter, who struggled mercilessly with anxiety for years, now have a sense of such abiding peace. She went to war with the enemy of her soul and prevailed. She tasted and saw that the Lord is indeed good. That He does deliver. They’ve seen that He has not abandoned them in their trials. They can’t quite see it yet, the benefits of this trial. They still think they’re weak, that they haven’t acquired any strength in this testing. But I do. I actually don’t personally know anyone who’s experienced so much disappointment at this age as they have, and yet, I see them clinging to God, actively choosing to believe in His promises, and overcoming with unmitigated fortitude, humor and grace. Because He has been faithful. Because He is good. And I pray that someday soon they will see that this place of weakness has given rise to indomitable strength – because of the suffering, and His imparted strength in persevering.

My youngest daughter asked me to pray for her one night because she had to do a one mile run the following day. So I prayed for endurance and strength. She interrupted and said, “No, Mom. I want you to pray that I won’t have to.” I told her I wasn’t going to do that. That it would be far better for her to experience challenges and gain endurance, than to pray that God would leave her in a vulnerable state. She doesn’t get it, but I do, now more than ever. “Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope…”

Because of all of that, when my children grow up and experience the disappointments that will surely come, God willing, they won’t crumble. They won’t give up, because they know what it’s like to endure and overcome, to fail and try again until they succeed. They know what it is to live without getting whatever they want and it hasn’t killed them. They can endure anything in his strength. And God willing, they’ll never be part of an entitled generation who thinks the world owes them whatever they want and all they have to do is have an epic temper tantrum to get it.

I can look back now and see that it was good that God afflicted them. I can thank Him for all of the devastation, and mean it.