Just Hit Your Sister And Get It Over With Already
- One day my girls just Would Not Stop arguing…
Delilah: Mom! Tell her to stop!
Charlotte: It’s your fault!
Delilah: Stop TOUCHING me!
Charlotte: You started it!
Me: *has had enough* Well then hit her!
Both: What?!
Me: You heard me. Make a fist and hit her. Just make sure you do it right. Here, lemme show you. *places thumb outside of fingers* If you don’t do it right you can break your hand.
Charlotte: *states at me with suspicion*
Delilah: But…what? You said never to hit anyone.
Me: I’ve never said that. That doesn’t even sound like me. I said you don’t start a fight, but if you have to defend yourself, by all means, do what you have to do. I’ll bail you out. I’ve always got your six. *winks at children, they interpret this as facial tic* Regardless, siblings are exempt. You can pound on each other and then you’re over it. Carry on.
*crickets chirping*
Charlotte: *whispers and tries not to move lips* I think mom’s lost her mind.
Sixty seconds later they’re laughing (about me, probably) and making plans to build a fort together.
Me: *congratulates self on expertly diffusing the situation and educating posterity on how to navigate disagreements between siblings. Drinks wine straight from bottle, moves more money into savings account titled “Future Therapy”*