Think Bill Murray in Caddyshack

Actual conversation with a guy at Home Depot after dropping $700 at the dealership. For the second time – in 4 days…

Home Depot guy, Victor: Can I help you with anything?

Me: Yes. Rats are eating the electrical system in my car. I need them to die.

Victor: Here’s a trap, maybe that would work?

Me: Nope. We’re going for maximum possible voltage and retaliation. The rat zapper holds some appeal. Short of that, I’ll take some C-4.

Victor: We’re fresh out of explosives. So…you’re going for dead? (He thought I was kidding.)

Me: No, I’m going for extreme suffering, THEN dead. (Not kidding, I wanted death.)

Victor: This should do the trick. So are you all set?

Me: Have anything with a higher voltage?

Victor: No

Me: If I add water will that increase the suffering?

Victor: Probably not. 

Me: Then we’re good, thank you.

You see, I’m not normally vindictive, but apparently rats are attracted to the environmental-worship tape that car companies use to wrap wiring now.  So within 12 hours of getting my car back, the rat returned and did the exact same damage.  Not to be confused with the damage another rat did 6 months after this blessed event. If this electric death chamber didn’t do the trick I was fully prepared to go all Bill Murray and bury C-4 at strategic locations all over the driveway whilst mumbling about these cursed creatures.  How I would find said explosives was apparently irrelevant at the time.  Since I have no idea how to even find a criminal, I seriously doubt this would ever be a genuine cause for concern.  It was fun to daydream though.  

Regardless, I live next to a golf course. The chance of eradicating the rat population hovers somewhere around when hell freezes over or I vote for a Clinton.  In the meantime, might I suggest you avoid car companies who use this ridiculous rat bait just to pander to the environmentalists.  And before you decide to send me hate mail assuming I don’t value the environment, let me be clear: I have great respect for it, I do not, however, worship it, and prefer logical intervention over an emotionally driven cause which further burdens society.

Should such an annoying, expensive, and unnecessary event happen to you, please know that rats are repelled by fabric softener sheets (toxic) so I was instructed to tie these strips to strategic locations throughout the engine compartment.  Big white bows, all over engine parts.  My mechanic thinks I really like Hello Kitty.  I do not. It’s ridiculous, but it does work.

That is all, carry on.